10 lessons the ’10s taught me
A mentor and friend told me a few years ago, “you’re part of my legacy”. She was preparing to leave the company and wanted to tell me that she believed that I could take over her role and excel. I did end up doing just that, sparking a new chapter of my life as a manager, a leader, and a mentor myself.
Reflecting on the past ten years I think a lot about my own legacy now. Hundreds of people have come and gone in my life this decade. Those that have become part of my legacy, helped me fine tune these critical lessons that I plan to carry with me into 2020.
Let yourself dance.
I spent my childhood painfully shy. In the ’10s I welcomed a healthy mix of self inflated confidence, supportive friends and DJ Louie XIV. The early ’10s showed me that I have a whole lot to be proud of, and sometimes letting loose on a dance floor or in my living room was the best medicine.
Trust your gut.
So many people gave me advice early in my career, some unsolicited, some downright horrible. Every hard decision ultimately was sparked from a gut feeling. No matter the network I had, this decade I had to learn to trust myself. I learned to trust that my instincts are strong — and that it’s ok if I make mistakes. We’re all so much more resilient than we think.
Don’t assume anything.
Don’t assume that the reason that person was rude to you had anything to do with you. That your colleague has it handled. That your vacation will be relaxing no matter what. That your friend is ok. That you know the right answer. That the way it has always been done is the right way. For God’s sake, Ella.
Own your privilege. We each have power that can be used for good.
It is uncomfortable and took me too long to realize that despite my own financial instabilities and hustle, I have immense privilege and cannot take any of it for granted. I live in NYC and work at a job I love. I pass for white. I have health insurance. The list goes on.
“…we came to work & to live & we got a lot in common”
— Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Twitter Bio
Stay humble, rested and hydrated.
Yes, really. Nothing good this decade came to me through ego. Yet, this decade I learned how to say no and be selfish. It is a humble balance to strike: when I take care of myself, I can take better care of the people around me. This decade, I was a giver and a taker. I chose self care and asked for a lot of help.
People will disappoint you.
Especially those that you take the time to love. The deeper I allowed myself to get into relationships, with my family, my partner, my work colleagues and my friends (old and new), I learned over and over again, the more vulnerable you allow yourself to be — the more you trust others in your life — the more you risk being disappointed. And the moment I recognized that without fear, it allowed my relationships to get that much stronger and released lots of pent up guilt for when I realized I also disappointed those that I loved.
Fall in love with yourself.
I thought I knew what this meant early on in this decade. It wasn’t until the past two years or so, where I really looked in the mirror and asked myself “do I love myself?” By the way: Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror — eye to eye? It’s weird. But the more you do it, the more you face your insecurities, the easier it gets to find parts you love. I’ve got a whole lot of life to break habits of self criticism, but part of the lesson of loving myself has been to not punish myself for those moments of relapse.
Stay curious.
This is what I’m most proud of from this decade. I was the first in my family to go to university. My parents put so much emphasis on the importance of education and I took it seriously. But when I left school I found myself grinding in the mundane repetition of every day work life. The most frequent advice I give when mentoring others is that “every person you meet has something to teach you.” Don’t gloss over the EA to get to the CEO. Don’t skim the headlines to look for something you recognize already. Don’t look past people when you’re having a conversation with them to find who you can talk to next. When I honored that a present curiosity was what would drive my passions, keep me competitive in my career and make me feel much more comfortable talking to hundreds of strangers a year, I knew I wouldn’t ever turn back from incessantly asking “why” and “how”
Name your feelings.
The most important thing I did for myself this decade was the work of therapy. I was 28 when I finally learned that I could manage my toughest feelings by acknowledging them as I was in the thick of them. I’m not talking about the comfortable feelings of joy and pride… I’m talking about the ones that are much easier to push deep down into that dark corner somewhere over there. When I started naming my feelings as I felt them, not dismissing or letting them spiral…the ones that felt most embarrassing: jealousy, depression, anger, I noticed I felt them less intensely, and sometimes even less frequently. Even as I write this I think, “who the hell am I post hard earned lessons learned on the internet” — that’s shame talking. That moment when my to-do list twirls in my head, my heart races and my eyes go cross eyed trying to read an email? That’s anxiety. That moment I snap at my husband or my coworker? That’s fear triggering (or maybe I need a banana — it’s a toss up).
Leave space to be awed.
I have felt myself want to harden since that fateful day in 2016. Part of it, I told myself, was innocence dwindling. Ignorance is bliss, they say. But the times this decade that I unclenched my fist and allowed myself to take in pure awe and be truly present — watching the original cast of Hamilton on stage, Beyoncé’s Lemonade tour, Beyonce’s Homecoming Live Album, scanning the dance floor at my wedding reception, breathing in the air and watching the stars on a late night beach walk, listening to the chorus of female voices elected into public office — I never regretted those moments. It’s too easy to be cynical. Be brave and embrace that there is magic all around us. Life is much better when I let myself be ok to feel giddy with awe.
